hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
