I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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