I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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