you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
