I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
