How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
