I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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