I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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