I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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