I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
