I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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