Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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