This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
