It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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