can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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