He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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