dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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