Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
