I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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