I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
