I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
