Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
