I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
