How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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