Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
