And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
