How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
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