You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
