my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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