the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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