Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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