I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
