you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
