I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
