3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
