I got chris browned last night
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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