I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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