Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
