Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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