Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
