i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
operation have a gay friend backfired
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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