all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
