I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
