I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
