Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Randomize
