those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
