Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
