I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize