Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
