Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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