You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize