So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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