i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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