Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
