I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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