You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Randomize
