If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
