Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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