just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
