She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
