just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
